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14 Things It Took Me 20 Years To Learn

1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

4. You should not confuse your career with your life.

5. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

6. Never lick a steak knife.

7. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

8. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

9. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

10. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

11. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

12. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)

13. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

14. Final thought for the day: Women are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the men to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.